


easier said

by lolwhat (JkWriter)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Character Death, Evan Has No Idea What's happening, Ghost Connor Murphy, I Have No Idea What's Happening, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 16:38:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12391959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/pseuds/lolwhat
Summary: "I just have to save you, right?"There was a beat of silence."Easier said than done, Hansen."





	1. prologue

“I did something stupid. And I’ve been given the chance to fix it, but I can’t do it without your help.” 

“Why me?” 

“That’s a great question. I still don’t get it either. But it has to be you. Will you help me?” 

Saying it felt strange. It felt like he was begging. Connor never begged. He ordered. He demanded. But he never begged. 

Evan took a deep breath. 

“What do you need me to do?” 

“I’m going to die. Few weeks from now. On the first day of school. I need you keep me from it. Befriend me. Lie to me. Do something.” 

“I don’t… I don’t understand what you mean? Why do you think you’re going to die? Are you alright? Is someone after you? Because, I can’t, I can’t help you there. That needs the police or something.” 

“No one’s after me. Sorry, I should have made myself more clear. On the first day of school I’m going to steal something from you, and then kill myself. I need you to stop it.” 

“What?” 

“I should say I’ve already killed myself. I’m dead. But the me of this moment is wallowing in self-hatred and the misery of a failed attempt. He’s going to try again, and he’s going to be successful. Unless you stop him.” 

“Okay. I know what’s happening. I’m dreaming. This is a really weird dream caused by the pain meds. That’s what this has to be because there is no way this is actually happening.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Do you need me to pinch you? Cause I will. This isn’t a dream. I’m going to die and you need to save me.” 

Evan was freaking out by now. 

Properly freaking out. 

Because while Connor was talking he did pinch himself and nothing happened. Connor, or ghost Connor, was still standing at the edge of his bed talking to him. 

“Why me?”

“Excuse me?” 

“Why me? Why are you telling me this? Why can’t you, I don’t know save yourself? Wouldn’t you be more likely to listen to yourself?” 

Connor laughed. 

“That’s funny. You think I’d listen to myself? I spend half of my life high, if anything I’d think I tried something new.” 

Evan supposed he couldn’t argue with that. It made sense. 

“So w-what do I have to do exactly?” 

“I don’t know, they didn’t give me a rulebook.” 

“R-right. Okay. So I’ve just got to save you then, right?” 

There was a beat of silence. 

“Easier said than done, Hansen.” 

Evan tried to calm himself down. It was pretty hard to as the reality set in. This was happening. Connor Murphy’s ghost, or future ghost, was talking to him. He had to save Connor Murphy from himself. Connor Murphy, the brother of the girl Evan had a crush on, was going to kill himself. 

 

Evan was so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hated my first prologue so I updated it
> 
> tada


	2. chapter one

Connor was ninety-six percent sure he was dead. 

Sure, there was that four-percent that kind of sort of maybe thought he might still be alive but for the most part he was pretty certain he was dead. He distinctly remembered swallowing the pills. Two bottles to be exact. He didn’t hear the annoying beeping signifying he was in a hospital, so maybe he was dead. He had never died before, so he wasn’t exactly sure what it was like. He had heard stories from people who were legally declared dead before being revived but their descriptions weren’t very helpful for this situation. 

He forced himself to open his eyes. Everything was bright. Far too bright. And green. Why was everything green? 

Connor turned his head to the side. He was facing trees, a lot of trees. That didn’t exactly help him figure out where the hell he was. There were a lot of forests in his town. Hell, even his house was surrounded by trees. 

“You’re awake.”

That gave reasonable cause for concern. 

Connor shot up, wincing slightly at the pain in his hand. Why was his hand hurting? A quick glance down saw that he had somehow managed to cut it on the ground that he was still confused about. How the fuck did he get here? Who the hell was talking to him? Was he going crazy? Maybe his attempt was a hallucination. Or maybe he was in hell. That also seemed likely. 

“You okay there? Ouch. That looks like a pretty nasty cut. Should probably avoid putting it on the ground, might get infected.” 

Connor froze because holy shit he knew that voice. She couldn’t be here. That meant she found him, right? She could not have found him. Even if he was somehow alive that would ruin any sort of relationship they might have still had left. That was the opposite of what he wanted to do. 

“I’m dreaming. This has to be a dream. There is no way you’re here.” 

Zoe tilted her head. She was looking at him like he was insane and maybe he was. Wouldn’t be the first time someone had said it to him. 

“Not dreaming, at least I don’t think this is considered dreaming. I’m not actually sure. It might be.” 

Zoe was talking weird. So maybe it wasn’t Zoe. Maybe he imagined she was here, the last person he wanted to see before he died or something. That made sense. Sort of. 

“Right. If I’m not dreaming than I’m hallucinating, right? That’s what’s happening. I failed and somehow ended up in a giant hallucination. This is fine. A-okay. THIS IS NOT FINE.”

“I believe humans call this ‘purgatory’. Bit of a strange name if you ask me, but I don’t decide on what they do.” 

That was interesting. 

“I’m sorry, did you say humans? What, are you some monster parading around as my sister or something? Because that’s fucked up.” 

“Oh. Do I look like your sister? Apologies. I can’t help it. My form changes based on what you need. I suppose she is who you needed to see. If you don’t like it you can try seeing someone else. No promises on who it will be.” 

That seemed like too much work. Besides, seeing Zoe without her wanting to bitch at him was a nice change. Granted her bitching was usually his fault. 

“You can stay as Zoe. There are worse people. Oh my god, I sound ridiculous. This whole situation is ridiculous. I have some weird monster-thing that looks like my sister telling me I’m not dreaming.” 

Connor let himself fall back on the ground. His head stung but he didn’t care. He also didn’t care in the cut in his hand got infected. He was in, what was it they said, purgatory? He was in purgatory. Can’t get much worse than that. 

“I am sorry you feel that way.” 

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Care to tell me where exactly I am?” 

The thing sat down next to him. Connor was half-tempted to roll away but he was tired. It would be easier to just stay there. 

“We’re in a forest.” 

He huffed. It wasn’t like he didn’t see that. He knew they were in a forest. He was more interested in what forest they were in. 

“Wow, I almost couldn’t tell. It’s not like there’s trees here or something letting me know we’re in a forest.” 

“I do not like your tone. You’re being sarcastic.” 

Connor was going to say something else when he heard it. The sound of a branch snapping. Was someone walking towards them? Were they going to be seen? Could this creature even be seen or would Connor be the only one found? 

“You have many questions. They will all be answered soon enough. For now, just look up.” 

So Connor did. 

He expected to see a lot of things. A storm explaining the random breaking branches. A bunch of birds having a good ole time in the trees. Hell, even a flying bear would have been closer than the truth. 

Connor saw someone clinging to a tree branch pretty high up. They seemed to be holding on for their life. There was something familiar about the mop of sandy brown hair that Connor recognized but couldn’t place. 

He wasn’t sure why he was watching this. A million questions were running through his mind. Why was he being forced to watch someone dangle from a branch so high up? Where the hell was he? Who was hanging up there? And oh my god they just slipped. They were going to fall. Connor couldn’t watch this. He was a bastard but he wasn’t about to let someone fall to their death. 

He pushed himself up and went to stand but the creature pushed him back down. He tried to rip himself away from it’s grasp but was unsuccessful. 

“What the fuck?” 

He hissed, glaring at it. His threatening look, which worked on most normal people, had no effect on the thing dressed as his sister. It pointed up. Against his better judgement Connor looked up once again. 

They had a better grip on the branch. Whoever it was had to be strong for holding on so long. Connor couldn’t quite tell but it looked as though they were trying to decide what to do. 

Connor figured they’d try and lower themselves to the next branch. It was the logical thing to do. He had climbed enough trees when he was younger to know that was the easiest way to get down. 

They had a different idea.

Connor watched as they let go. 

They came crashing to the ground and Connor was certain they were dead. That had to be at least thirty feet. Maybe more. Crashing into the branches on the way down didn’t slow them very much. 

_Oh fuck oh fuck. I didn’t sign up for this. Holy shit. They just got themselves killed. Shit. Fuck. God dammit._

Connor was let go. He wasted no time in jumping to his feet and running towards the fallen figure. Running felt weird, it was like he was trying to run through snow, each step was harder than the last. He ignored that and focused on moving forward. 

The figure was groaning in pain. That was good, at least they were alive. Connor wanted to roll them over to see if they were alright but remembered something about back injuries and moving causing paralysis. He was not going to be the reason someone went paralyzed. 

“He’s just like you. He let go.” 

There goes that creature again. Connor was getting close to just punching them in the face. 

“Yeah. I see that, doesn’t mean they’re anything like me. I don’t even know who they are.” 

Connor was surprising himself with how careful he was handling this situation. He spent most of his time angry at the world, it was weird trying to care for it instead. 

“Yes, you do.” 

He turned his head. The creature was standing next to him. They were wearing that look Zoe always had that pissed him off. It was the condescending smirk. Like it thought they were better than him. 

“I really don’t. Who the fuck do I know that’s fallen out of a tree?” 

“You did say it was the saddest thing you’ve ever heard.” 

Oh. Oh hell no. 

Connor could easily place the hair to a face. Thinking back he could tell it was Evan having that deep consideration in the tree and fuck. This was not how he expected to spend his first day dead. 

“Why?” 

“Evan is depressed. His high levels of anxiety make living nearly impossible. He decided this would be the best course of action.” 

“No. I don’t care about any of that. Why am I here? Why did you make me watch his failed suicide attempt?” 

“I told you, Connor. He’s just like you.” 

“Evan Hansen is nothing like me. He actually cares.” 

Connor was taking deep breaths. Anything less and he was worried he’d start yelling. At who he wasn’t sure. There was Evan, who he wanted to call a complete idiot for trying something so stupid (Connor wasn’t sure he’d hear him but he didn’t care) but there was also the creature who was forcing him to watch Evan’s lowest point. 

“You say that, but have you ever stopped to talk to him?” 

Shit. They had him there. The furthest they had gone in a conversation was when Evan said he fell out of that tree. Then there was the letter and Connor had stormed off. Didn’t even give Evan a chance to try and explain himself. Connor knew he was being irrational at that moment but he had to get away. He didn’t want to explode at Evan. And then he ended up alone and now here he was. 

“Alright, fine. I never talked to him. I don’t know who he actually is. But you can’t honestly tell me we are the same.”

“I think you should see something.” 

Connor tried to move away but they managed to grab onto his shoulder. 

He felt a pain like nothing he had ever experienced before. It was a searing hot torch extended all the way from his shoulder where he had been grabbed down to his legs. He gasped and tried to wrench himself away. He didn’t want this. Evan was falling in love with Zoe and she was falling in love right back. His parents were treating Evan like the son Connor never was. Connor was becoming a martyr for a project he had nothing to do with. 

And then everything was falling apart. Evan’s lies were collapsing and he had nowhere to go but down. Everyone was turning against him. Everyone was blaming him for something he started on a whim. 

Connor wanted to get out. He didn’t want to see this. He couldn’t watch this anymore. He wanted out. Out out out out. 

As quickly as it had spread the pain retreated. Connor was left gasping for breath. He had fallen over at some point and was lying down much like Evan was. Evan who was now staring up at nothing. 

“That is your future. Or rather, his.” 

Connor didn’t believe that. He couldn’t believe it. That wasn’t Evan Hansen. Whoever, whatever he saw could not be Evan Hansen. They were manipulative, they were lying for their own gain until they couldn’t lie anymore. There was no possible way that was Evan Hansen. 

“You’re lying.” 

“You know I’m not. You’ve spent years watching Evan. Watching as he’s grown and fallen further into himself. You know him better than even Jared Kleinman. You cannot deny it. That is his future unless you stop it.” 

Right. Stop it. He could do that. 

“How?” 

“You’re going to kill yourself. You’re going to end up here, unless you can find someone to stop it.” 

“I’m guessing that someone isn’t really up for me to decide.” 

“Evan can help you. You just have to lead him there.” 

“So what happens now?”

“Evan isn’t going to be able to call for help for another hour. I suggest we leave. You can come back and help him yourself. Build up the trust he doesn’t have for you. When the time is right you need to tell him the truth. Convince him to help you.”

“Like that’s going to be easy.” 

Connor had sat up and was brushing dirt from his jacket. Being not quite dead was frustrating. His hand was still bleeding and his clothes were dirty. It sounded like a bad horror movie. 

“It won’t be. But you cannot stop yourself alone. The you of this world wants to trust someone, anyone. Did you not desire companionship?” 

He slowly stood up. Evan looked his way. He seemed hopeful, like he thought someone had come to help him. 

“I was a dick who didn’t deserve anyone.” 

“Everyone deserves someone.” 

They were walking away from Evan. It hurt Connor to leave, but he had a feeling the creature wasn’t lying when they said he could come back and actually help. 

“Yeah, sure. The guy who gets high and threatens to kill his sister deserves someone. That’s not how it works.” 

“It might not be how you think it works, but that’s not what we think.” 

“What the hell are you anyways?” 

“I cannot tell you the answer to that as I do not know myself. We were never given an official name. We are not angels nor demons, but something in between.” 

That’s not creepy at all. 

They didn’t stop walking until Evan was well out of sight. However, Connor could still hear him. Each soft sob broke his heart a little more. 

“This is where I leave you, Connor Murphy. I will watch over your progress. Remember to convince Evan Hansen that you deserve to be saved.” 

Connor watched as the creature turned. With its back to him they no longer looked like Zoe. He couldn’t quite tell what they looked like, a halo of light surrounded them. 

“How am I supposed to appear to him or whatever.” 

“You will find a way. Now go.” 

He didn’t bother waiting to see if it disappeared. He turned and ran back towards where Evan was lying. He slowed when Evan looked over at him. If it wasn’t for Evan’s staring Connor would have thought he still couldn’t be seen. 

“Shit dude, what happened to you?”

It was easy to pretend. Connor spent most of his life doing it. 

“I uh, I fell?” 

“That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Evan shrunk back. Fuck, that is not what he wanted to do. He had to fix this. “Are you alright?” 

Evan looked surprised and honestly Connor didn’t’ blame him. While he had never (at least not yet) lashed out at Evan he didn’t exactly have a reputation of being nice. 

“Um, fine. I guess. Yeah, fine.” 

“You don’t look fine.” 

“Well, I mean, my arm’s kind of numb. But it’s not a big deal. I’m sure I just fell on it funny.” 

Connor dropped to his knees next to Evan. By now Evan had managed to start pushing himself up into a seated position. Connor helped him sit the rest of the way up. 

“How far did you fall?” 

He knew how far. But Connor needed to come off like he hadn’t watched Evan let go. Something he made a note to ask about later. 

“T-Thirty feet, I think. The trees forty, I wasn’t at the top.” 

“You fell thirty feet and you think your arm being numb isn’t a big deal.” 

“I uh, yes?” 

Connor couldn’t believe this. How long would Evan have just laid there had he not come? Would he have even gotten up? Connor knew he would have. Evan had his cast on the first day (Connor tried not to think about how he had signed it). 

“Well, I’m not about to let you sit here in pain. Come on, I’ll get you to the hospital. We can call a cab or something.” 

“Oh, you really don’t have to do that. It doesn’t even hurt.” 

“That’s because it’s numb right now. You’re in shock. Give it an hour and you’ll be in plenty of pain.” 

“Oh, joy.” 

That was new. Was Evan Hansen using sarcasm? 

Connor could get used to that. 

“If I’m going to the hospital you have to get your hand checked up. That doesn’t look good.” 

Connor had almost forgotten about the gash on his hand.

“Fine. I’ll have them look at it while you’re getting checked out.”

Evan seemed content with that answer. 

“Why are you out here anyways? And where exactly is here?” 

“You’re here too. How can you not know where you are?” 

“Dearest Evan Hansen, I spend ninety-percent of my life high. Do you think I ever know where I am?” 

Evan frowned but didn’t say anything else. He did take the lead. His hand from his good arm was gripping Connor’s a bit too tight but he didn’t say anything as Evan’s other arm was dangling uselessly at his side. 

Before Connor knew it, they were out of the woods and at some station. It looked like a ranger’s station. He vaguely remembers Evan mentioning to Jared he spent the summer here, it made sense. 

“Do you always climb trees on your days off? Or was today special?” 

“It’s easy to forget things when you’re above them all.” 

Evan let go of Connor to unlock the door. They both walked in. There was a woman dressed in full uniform who seemed pretty shocked to see the two of them. 

“Evan! What happened?” 

“I fell.” 

“I told you to be more careful climbing trees. Are you alright? I’m calling an ambulance.” 

Connor liked this woman already. 

“You don’t need to do that. My uh, friend? Connor, we’re going to go to the hospital together. He found me.” 

Connor waved. The woman looked like she didn’t trust him. Wasn’t a surprise, most adults didn’t. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Y-yeah. He needs to get his hand checked out so we figured we’d go together?” 

“In that case I’ll drive you both. Come on, to my car.” 

Connor found himself sitting in the back seat of a Volkswagen. In the back of his mind a voice reminded him it was Zoe’s dream car. 

Evan and the ranger woman were talking about his plans after high school. Connor didn’t listen in favor of staring out the window. He had succeeded in getting Evan to the hospital and apparently this woman was able to see him. He wondered who else would see him. Would everyone be able to? What was next? 

When the car stopped Connor was the first to jump out. He had been to the emergency department plenty of times. He knew his way around better than some of the nurses. He listened as the ranger made a promise to let their boss know Evan would be missing the next Monday and drove off, leaving the two of them on their own. 

“Thanks, for helping me. I guess. Not that I guess you helped me. I know you did. And I want to thank you for it. It means a lot. Though you probably know that. I uh, thanks?” 

Evan rambled, following Connor as they walked into the department. Evan continued to ramble as Connor began filling out the required forms. He wasn’t exactly sure what to put for Evan’s emergency contact information. He didn’t know his family. He was half tempted to put his own number but knew he didn’t have his phone, his alive self did and probably wouldn’t take too kindly to a phone call about Evan in the hospital. 

“Evan, who should they call?” 

That got to be quiet. 

Connor almost thought there was fear in his eyes, but it wasn’t. Not quite. It was the look of failure he often wore himself. 

“My mom. Heidi Hansen. She’s working. Upstairs, floor six.” 

The nurse seemed to understand. Said something about Heidi picking up shifts when they were available. Within minutes she had paged her and Heidi had come running down the hall. 

Connor stepped back and watched. 

This was how a mother should act. Heidi wasn’t distant. She was doting on Evan. She wasn’t agreeing for the sake of preventing a fight. She was trying to understand what happened. 

Suddenly Connor didn’t want this anymore. Evan might have his own problems, but Connor didn’t want to taint him with his own. 

He turned and walked from the room. Evan would be fine without him. He didn’t see the end of the future. He only saw the beginning. 

Connor walked from the hospital. 

\---  
His hand hardly hurt anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> betas don't exist in my world

**Author's Note:**

> lol what is this


End file.
